Cartman Rants
by BoneBanditKonner
Summary: Rants on life, politics and Obama!
1. People

A/N: These rants do NOT express the views of the author.

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OK. Hi, I am Eric Cartman, I am 9 years old, and I will rant about people on this episode:

OK, look, some people are just fucked up! Does everyone agree with that? Some people are just annoying bitches, like Wendy or Britney Spears.

But you wanna know what gets me? OBAMA. It's not that he's black or anything, it's just that he said "Change.". Where the fuck is your change, Obama Bin Laden?

Look, now, McCain was shit. Palin was shit. Biden is shit and Obama is King of Shit!

Look at it this way, when Lars Ulrich (drummer for Metallica) first came to America, he was a tennis player. In Denmark, the name "Ulrich" made you royal, made you "King O' Tennis", he comes to the U.S and his "King O' Dog Shit"!

That's like Obama, in the politics he was a regular guy and now… "King of Shit"!

Wasn't Obama found looking at porn on the internet? Pervert. Like Kenny, only black and fucked up a little bit more.

Whatever. I'll do like a double episode for politics because I could go on.

Let's talk about… Jesus… Guitar Hero! No… Fuck… I guess that's the end of our first episode!

More to come before 3 am!


	2. Gays

A/N: Cartman's rant had to be almost completely censored to get the T rating.

Today this episode is on:

**Gays**

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Well I should know about gays for my experiences with Butters that on time… God his balls were so good.

Anyway, gayness is spreading throughout the country as more and more men suck another's balls.

I have a couple things to say to them:

you, pieces of , God dammit! You pieces of should go yourselves and wash your gay partner's and and then you should him and him and him! How the you like that you pieces of ?

Sorry guys, lost control. Wow, best rant ever though, right?

Go to YouTube and search "BLOOdblitz" you can find some good rants there.

Gays are just people once you think about it... But they don't deserve the same rights we do. Fuck them.

That's the end of our show!

Thank you all for watching and tune in today to see our double rant on Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers!

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A/N: Cartman is a COMPLETE ASSWIPE!


	3. Miley Cyrus Jonas Brothers

Today's show:

**Miley Cyrus**

**The (Gay Ass) Jonas Brothers!**

OK. Miley Cyrus says she is a good actor and a good singer.

This is a mile off.

She can suck my balls for all I care, God, Jesus, Lord in Heaven, All fucking Mighty. She was dating like Nick Jonas or some shit like that wasn't she?

You wanna know something really true **(A/N: THIS IS TRUE!!!!!)**_** Miley Cyrus has a sex addiction! She has to take fucking pills!**_

OK. Now that we has saved the worst for last. The Jonas Brothers say that they are rock n' roll.

Suck my left nut, Nick! 'Cause I know you want to, you fucking pussy, damn!

You wanna see rock and roll, look at Stevie Wonder, Jimi Hendrix, Metallica, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Synyrd, Def Leppard, Guns N' Roses, U2, Beatles, Rolling Stones, Green Day, Korn, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Temple of The Dog, Dora the Explorer! Anything but the fucking Jonas Brothers!

Goddammit!

PL, looks like this episode is over now… GOODBYE!!!!


	4. Beatles

A/N: This is the first in a series of requests made by Dnny By

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Hello, everyone! Today's rant is on:

**The Beatles**

Now, I gotta hand it to the Beatles, having their own Rock Band game, that's hela-cool! But they were only around for like 10, 11 years… Metallica has been around for almost 30 years and still has the fire and intensity of 20 year olds!

Metallica also had more hits then them and the Beatles are still a household name! They are only famous because of the documentary of their break-up, which has been parodied _**so**_ many times, that I can't even begin to describe how many times I've seen one.

I don't even know any songs that the Beatles played! I know Elvis played "Hound Dog" and "Heartbreak Hotel", The Rolling Stones did "Mommy's Little Helper" and Metallica did too may to count! Beatles score:

ZER0

Like how I did the 0 at the end of zero? I knew you would.

But in the end… The Beatles beat the others 1000 to Zip. Cause of the fucked up piece of shit documentary. Fuck me.

That is the end of today's episode; see us on part 2 of "Dnny By's Requests"!

Screw you guys, I'm going home!


	5. Homer Simpson

A/N: Sorry about the wait…

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We are BACK for Season 2 of Cartman Rants!

After a few months, we are back after a disagreement with the network… FUCK YOU KONNER!

Now today we will rant about Homer Simpson. Now, being the douche bag Homer is, he is always hilarious. His fumbling mistakes and stupid humor have captivated audiences for well over 15 years and about 20 seasons. Our data may not be as up to date as planned since the minor cancellation so feel free to correct us about our year and season mark.

But there is a dark side to Homer, his has stupid ideals, a stupid job, kids (except Maggie… breaking a baby bottle to fight a monkey in the movie was an awesome scene!) but his wife is awesome with the blue hair and shit.

So there is not much to rant about on Homer, but for a little factoid, he is named after either A) The greatly admired Greek writer who wrote the Iliad and the Odyssey or B) What the announcer says after a home run in a baseball (Example: That is a homer!)

That's today's episode of Cartman Rants. Check back in the next few days for our rant on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2!


	6. Modern Warfare 2

**A/N: Cartman Rants is making it's Season 2 comeback, just like all my other stories. Season 2 will include Dnny By's rant requests and the two part episode "Rant on Obama"**

Now, Modern Warfare 2. Could they make a more horrible game (_Cartman, play nice_) Shut the hell up Konner! (_No, it was a great game, especially on the PS3_.) No it wasn't. Disconnect time. (_If you disconnect me, I will cancel this show again_!) Sorry can't here over my typing trying to disconnect you (_Chat has been disconnected_)

That's better. Now, it was horrible because I couldn't get it because my mom wouldn't let me. That why it is horrible and I can't understand why people would buy a sequel to a special edition game! Who would want to buy a sequel to a special edition game? No one!

Or at least I thought. But you want to know what really pisses me off? The game has too many addicts, all I here in school anymore is: "Get on Xbox Live and play CoD: Modern Warfare 2 with me!" I don't want to! "Why?" Cause the game sucks!

Too many weapons, too many modes and way too many people! The game sucks, period.

**A/N: I fucking hate Cartman. It was and is the greatest game I've ever played. But Red Dead Redemption is right up there, too. And how can he complain about "too many weapons, too many modes and way too many people"? It's just stupid. This is my least favorite episode of Cartman Rants. Especially since he disconnected me… :(**


End file.
